Welcome to my blog. Doubt anyone will ever read this.
No one's reading this I'm sure. Just gotta rant. Have you ever felt like trash? Like absolutely repulsive, absolutely abhorable, stinking trash? Cause I do. Been given so many opportunities, so many chances, so many open doors, and yet I keep blowing it. Over and over and over again. As if that wasn't enough I want to blow more, too. I hate myself. I hate this hypocricy. I hate that no one really knows me. I hate that my truest friends may never learn that I'm just a phony. Like sherlock, except a real fake. All I want is God's presence to be with me cause He knows. He's the only one that knows. But I feel like I've let Him down and that's why He's left me. A lie I know. But what am I supposed to do when I've got no guts, no faith, no right to carry on? My Strength, my Hope, my Righteousness has gone. 100% God or 100% world. I chose God but there's now an empty void, a friggin painful void that's so tiny and only in my mind but I'm so affected by it I hate myself. People look to me. Model after me. Envy me. But I don't want any of that cause I'm just a noob. Just a dirty, crying mess. What do I do?
God I'm tired of pleading to air. Of talking to walls. And I don't dare disrespect You or make You more dissapointed. So I've hid. I feel like there's nothing happening when I come, vulnerable and senselessly before empty space and pray. I'm afraid that, after placing all my reliance, all my worth, all my time and heart and effort on You, I've dissappointed You. I don't want that again. But I can't. I've tried. So many times.
Deep down in my heart, I know You're watching me type. You're catching every tear drop. I'm broken inside and I can't go on like this. The past month I've felt so alone. So filthy. So worthless. Can't even type this on my wordpress, heck not even on my private, or on a word doc.
Consider this my prayer. God either change me so I'm not me no more, or leave me alone. Don't raise my hopes and drop them. Please. If the former, please please please don't remove Your presence from me ever again. Who am I kidding to give the God of all creation binary options.
I've tried God, You know I've tried. Just maybe not enough.
Coding has always kinda taken my mind off things, idk why I even have the wordpress. Away with pretense. Thank You God for helping me stop hating myself I guess, now I'm just confused, and defeatist. There's a terrible void in my heart, constantly pining and yearning to be filled with love. Love being someone who can truly love me despite knowing who and what I am. Someone who can share in all my adventures, and I in theirs. Someone who understands and can care for me as deeply as I can for them. Someone who doesn't expect more of me than I am, who will hug me when I've failed, touch my cheek when I cry, celebrate with me when I succeed. (As I do the same) Someone who'll understand my meagre attempts to talk, who would hear the ramblings and get their nuances and connotations. So far the only Someone like that I can't see, and I feel I've dissappointed and I feel is distancing Himself to grow me. Sigh. I'd sincerely hoped I had found that someone. First N (bless the least painful), then J (straight to the face and there's another guy ouch), then now M, which is impossible cause there's another and it's impossible and I'm just feeling so alone and my friends just like my mask that's all. What am I to do. Fudge. Love the sound of that word. I feel like I need another project, another hobby, to fill my mind and distract it from the huge cavern that Love was supposed to fill but for some reason didn't. Who the hack do I turn to, and how the hack do I get out of
It sucks. It really, really sucks. I only have myself to blame. For choosing carnality over God, time wasted over time alone with Him. I'm in a rut, a deep deep rut. I feel like escape is impossible and can only be led by God, yet I shy away from Him, guilt ridden and shame filled. No doubt I am a child of God, but "the prayer of a righteous man avails much", and I'm not much of righteous and not much of man, so what exactly should I do? No it's not the doing, then what now? "God doesn't tell us what He's gonna do, He reveals Himself to us." God You're just, holy and righteous.
...
All my energy is sapped, I just wanna curl up in a ball and dream it all away. It sucks doubly when I can't tell people "I'm facing tough times", cause I'm really just facing my own sin. I don't feel like doing anything at this point, other than running, escaping.
Then there's the love thing. I guess cause I can't love myself, I've got to rely on others' love for me. When that doesn't work out, I turn to God, but then am prompty turned away (by myself) cause I suck.
I guess I could say I've lost all hope in myself. Now that I know God can fulfill promises despite us being apart from Him, I know the ball's in my court to repent, seek Him out. But I'm afraid I won't make it, so I don't dare to try, lest my heart be pierced and smashed again. Was my fault I'm in this rut, don't wanna sink further, yet can't take where I am.
I've always just wanted 3 things in life. To change the world, a best friend to change the world with, and a girlfriend to love. Then God brought hope and purpose into the picture, and I grabbed at it, threw away everything I had for it. Only to find that I'd sacrificed to an image of Him, I'd found the tomb but of course it was empty. I'm afraid of how next year will end, afraid of falling apart and losing all trust forever.
Think I lost my kairos moment, my one shot at this destiny. Which doesn't make sense if it's cause of my limitations. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm just the boy who was born special, who everyone expected great things from, but who had just been worse than odinary the whole time, acting and fooling everyone, disappointing everyone behind their backs. I'd ask to leave earth but doubt at this point that I've reached heaven so.
Don't even have the space to fully emote.